Feel It Still

I have always believed in the power of written words. As someone who dreads confrontation, I find myself responding in either of these ways: I keep quiet and write down the things that I fail to say, or I distract myself and escape whatever it is that’s bothering me. The past few months have been more of the latter, which explains my absence online (surprise: I escaped my thoughts by meeting friends IRL and keeping myself busy at work).

Life has a funny way of unfolding itself. It tricks you into figuring things out only to find another starting line for new challenges. It makes you feel inadequate so you could further appreciate what you have (and what you’ve achieved thus far). It makes you feel frustrated to a point that it just ticks you off and you FINALLY make a move (instead of just feeling angry every time). I guess trying to understand life’s paradoxes can drive you nuts but it is there for a reason — a reason that we won’t fully figure out no matter what we do.

A few months ago, I’ve decided to quit the corporate world once and for all. I tread in uncertainties, and much like how I deal with most things, I kept quiet about the difficulties I face on the daily. A few of it came from external factors but much of what’s tearing me apart actually came from within me. For the longest time, I’ve never had the chance to sit and slow down, and now that I had that opportunity, it has proven to be a problem for me. I didn’t know how to confront my own thoughts and feelings. My fears felt crippling and my frustrations piled up in quick successions. I kept on questioning how I ended up the way that I did and how I seemed to have forgotten everything that I thought I loved. And so, as more and more questions racked my existence, my brain decided to go on autopilot and do what it does best — it made me busy, kept me in my toes through work, and nudged me to say ‘yes’ to every friendly meetup that I could get (to be fair, working at home can be lonely and friends make the days more tolerable). Whenever I had a free time, I would fill it with mindless internet browsing, while I’d dedicate the rest of the day in front of the computer, trying to get some work done. It was not the best way to cope up in these situations, but it was the only way that I know how, and so, I kept on doing it.

For a moment, I felt like I’ve lost my way around words and I felt like I couldn’t do anything creative, either. I couldn’t find the right words to say and didn’t have the energy to come up with something sensible from the white noise that I’ve created for myself. In hopes of escaping from my head, I ended up bringing myself into facing things that I shouldn’t have been dealing with in the first place. For a while, my days became a cycle of self-sabotaging and trying to redeem whatever it is that I can redeem. It felt hopeless, but I knew there was a way around, and I decided to figure that out.

A snapshot during our sunset meditation & yoga (Back to Basics Retreat)

Earlier in May, my friend Karen and I have decided to sign up for a retreat. I knew it was out of my budget, but I felt like I needed it. True enough, it had opened me towards a different kind of healing. It was not an overnight remedy, but it was a step forward towards facing head-on whatever issues I initially had. I’m still in the process of figuring things out, but truly, that retreat had brought enough light to make me see the good. I became more deliberate in my choices, started to meditate more often, and slowly integrated mindfulness on the daily. I still have moments that paralyzes the hell out of me, but the journey that I’m slowly taking has helped me become better in more ways than I can imagine.

I still can’t say if I’m going back to blogging (or at least sharing my thoughts online), but I know that I want to tell stories again and that, more than anything, I want to reignite whatever’s left of my love for writing.

May this post be the beginning of many more things to come.

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