Sometime in early 2009, I decided to move from my now-defunct (and extremely emotional) Xanga account to Blogger. I decided to call this space “The Yellow Pad Chronicles” as an ode to all the pad papers I’ve filled with random musings, reflections, and ideas. Fast forward to today, this space has been a time capsule for all things “me”. It held stories of some of my most treasured experiences, and reading through this blog gives me a pang of nostalgia. It’s my coming-of-age; it was the documentation of me trying to adult, grow up, and embrace the changes that life throws my way.
Earlier this year, I made a bold move of announcing that I’m leaving this blog. It’s true– there has been a huge disconnect with me and whatever I’m sharing in this space. The blogging community has evolved into something so curated, so niched, I could no longer keep up. As much as I hate to admit it, I also came to a point when I tried to follow that trend, wanting to focus on food and travel. I felt like I needed to create useful content, angled in a way that would feature my own experiences and adventures. But that plan didn’t work out, and now I just don’t blog anymore. I also (unintentionally) gave up writing altogether.
2010-2019 has been some of the most formative years of my life. I graduated from college, I had my first job, I entered and left and went back to the corporate world, changed career paths, almost broke up with my boyfriend, went to therapy, moved out, traveled by myself, went abroad, strengthen relationships, and many, many more that I could not enumerate. Just like I say all the time, life has been a rollercoaster. I’ve fallen so many times these past few years, it scraped my knees and broke my bones, but it truly made me a better person (…I hope). Those 10 years changed me; it showed me that I’m not as invincible as I thought and that true power lies in finding hope and acceptance.
In the past ten years (and even more), I tried my best to document life as it happens through writing. When I felt like diaries were not safe (my mom kept on reading them!), I turned to blogging and non-judgemental strangers. Writing was my way of escape, of trying to make sense out of all the challenges that I was facing. Nowadays, they’ve become more personal and private, scribbled in my journal, written in between work breaks and lonely nights. But lately, I’m losing touch with everything.
Nowadays, my schedules are filled with back-to-back meetings, and countless hours pretending that I know what I’m doing. I try to get things done and get myself together– I cook my own food, I try to squeeze in some workout, I do my best to spend time with those who are important to me. But still, in moments when I get stuck in the rabbit hole of the internet, there are days when I feel like I miss writing. I’ve been going back and forth with this craft: I’d start to write, stop, and then try to start writing again only to stop after feeling so jaded and tired. I was a pendulum, and it felt like I couldn’t stop the cycle. Until one day when the momentum ran out and I just eventually came to a halt.
The time that I took off from blogging felt like the break that I’ve needed to actually ask the hard questions. Writing is effortful. It will never be easy to find the right words and honestly, it still pains me to come up with paragraphs that make sense. But writing was my way to make sense of life; it was my way to connect and be grateful for the life I chose to live. It gives me satisfaction that I can’t seem to find someplace else. I’m never really good at writing, but every time that I try to do it, I always feel good… and I suppose that’s enough to keep me going.
As the decade comes to a close, I just felt like I couldn’t really end it without processing things in writing. I know I said I’m done with the blog, but who knows, I suppose I’d still try to whip something up every once in a while.
P.S. I have a new space on the internet called Treading Mindfully where I plan to write about my on-going journey to mindfulness, and other things that I stumble along the way. You can also subscribe to my newsletter there to get monthly recommendations on things to read, listen, and watch.
Happy holidays and I hope your decade has been grand!