A Lesson on Self Love

Lately, I’ve been learning to accept that I wouldn’t be okay every day… and that’s okay.

To be perfectly honest, I haven’t been in my best shape since late last year, when the toll of having a job meant giving up my passion projects and my time to travel. My days became repetitive: I wake up, go to work for 8 hours, go home, and then sleep. I know many would argue that I could always manage my time or push myself to do better in those 24 hours, but it wasn’t that easy. At the end of the day, I was exhausted and my energy is so drained that I no longer have the power to do anything else but take a rest. It wasn’t easy, and this situation truly consumed all of me.

I’ve had moments of pure elation — like when I hopped on that plane going to Vietnam, or that time when Mark and I were chilling by the beach in Bohol — but most of the time, every day just feels like a battle and I was smacked in the middle, struggling to survive.

I felt unforgiving for the ways that I’ve lived those past few months. The days got darker, and by the day that I hit 25, it went from dark hues of blue to pitch black. The days got harder, the questions piled up, and the guilt of not moving forward became heavier.

Was I doing the right thing? I’m 25, where am I really headed to? Do I even want where I am today? Is money all that there is? What about my dreams? What do I want? Is every day still worth it?

Needless to say, I was too hard on myself. Every day, I pushed myself to be more productive, to be more positive, to be better, and in the end, I crashed so hard, my heart broke and the pieces went flying all over the place. The shards were too small, picking them up gave me wounds that added up to the pain.

I was trying so hard to be the strong woman that I’ve always wanted, but little did I know that I was a flimsy pyramid made of cards. All I needed was one big blow to send me going down into nothingness. I felt like not being okay meant being defeated, and I tried to put up layers and layers of armors only to realize that they are too heavy for me to carry.

I wouldn’t lie, I am still hard on myself, but lately, I’ve learned to accept that things will get hard, and it’s okay if I couldn’t always cope up. It’s okay to fall behind. It’s okay to make mistakes. I’ve always been afraid of doing the wrong things, of not living up to expectations, and of losing to my self-made and ridiculously high set of standards. The turn of events from the past few months had me thinking, and while I still haven’t had everything figured out, I’m trying to take one step at a time. One step towards acceptance, another towards forgiveness, and another to finally move forward from the past.

21 thoughts on “A Lesson on Self Love

  1. “One step towards acceptance, another towards forgiveness, and another to finally move forward from the past.”

    And another step to meet with your friends. CHAROT. Pinapatawa lang kita. Natawa ka ba? Hahaha!

    I’ll always be ready to listen, Jhanz with an A. My wallpaper says, “you can’t fly unless you let yourself fall.” It is indeed okay to make mistakes. Ang cliché pero, nobody’s perfect! ☺️

  2. This is such a good read, Jhanz! I have been feeling the same lately, too. Unlike you, kabaliktaran naman, nagdedecide na ko to quit my job. Reality hits me hard that wala pa ko ipon and everyone tells me that it’s not practical and that it’s a bad idea. Anyhow, I know we can do this! We should not put more pressure on ourselves thinking that each day should be great, because the truth is there are a lot of bad days. Bad days let us appreciate the good days more.

  3. Quarter life crisis is real! I know the feeling Jhanzey. I’ve had the same sentiments a while back but I guess “almost dying” gave me a hard wake up call. It’s okay to take your time. We all have our own pace so don’t feel bad about underachieving amongst your peers. As much as responsibilities are to be upheld, make sure you’re happy at the end of the day. Because really, what else counts? And it’s okay not to be okay. There will be redundant, bad and monotonous days. They’re normal. We all go through it. Just make sure that those good ones count. Keep looking forward to them. 🙂

    annescribblesanddoodles.blogspot.com

  4. I couldn’t agree more with you. Self-love is so underrated and people doesn’t realize the importance of it -but we should know and we should apply it to ourselves. I’m rooting for you! You can develop self-love as long as you keep a positive mind.

    Love, Fads
    InstagramTwitter

  5. Lovely post. I completely understand how you feel. I am also stuck in the cycle of waking up, school, then sleep. I didn’t know this was making me tired and unproductive, I began to lose my motivations and interests, forgetting the things I love to do. Lately, I’ve been trying to manage my time more, waking up earlier to have more time with myself and meditate on how everything will be okay, that I can get through this.

    yuki, solivagantic

    1. Thanks for sharing, Yuki! 🙂 I hope we get to bring back all the things that we’ve forgotten to pay attention to. 🙂

  6. I exactly know how it feels when you said you can’t do anything more after going home from work. Work can sometimes be exhausting, add the PH traffic and all the other elements that we have to face every single day. When days are tough, I just pray to have the energy to be even tougher. Before kasi I only wish na walang major issue akong maencounter at work for that particular day, for example. But now, iniba ko ng konti pero it made a huge impact on me. I don’t wish it to be easy, I wish for myself to be brave and tough enough to get through it. Cos I can’t force my environment to change, but I can only change myself and the way I handle the circumstances.

    This is a nice read. 🙂

    1. Thanks for sharing your experience, Dianne! <3 I wish we all have the courage to work towards our everyday challenges.

  7. I relate to this post on so many levels. We always want to project the best version of ourselves to others when in fact we have days when we’re not okay. Sometimes it’s better to be real than to look good to others. This is something that took me a long time to realize, and I’m still trying to practice in my life. I admire how honest you are with your feelings 🙂 it’s not always easy to open up but this is indeed a good step to loving oneself.

    http://helloannajo.blogspot.com

  8. Jhanz!!!! 🙂 You are one of the very first bloggers I made into an inspiration when I was just starting. And I really love that you are showing how human you are, how vulnerable you are. Reflecting for me is one of the best remedies when I am sad or somewhat depressed. I get to see where I am now, what am I doing, what I need to do, when shall I act on it, and many more! 🙂 I believe in you! x

  9. People would truly make you feel this and that and “hey you shouldnt be crying” when actually all you need is venting out. It’s really ok not to be ok because we are flesh and we need it. Someday for sure you’ll get tired of being not to be ok so youd eventually stop. So feel all the emotions. It’s typically normal.

    stevevhan (artsandwander.com)

  10. Praying and hoping that things turn out well in the end. I have also been juggling my full-time job, my business, and my passion projects. Really difficult and sometimes I also get so drained that I would just want to quit, but then I wake up the next day and realize that if I don’t push for it, I will never be able to get out of my current situation. Cheers to being a busy millennial who pushes for financial stability while fulfilling our passions!

    xoxo,
    Gelleesh.com

  11. This is SO inspiring, Jhanz! You just explained what most people who are having that ‘quarter life crisis’ virus cannot actually verbalize. There would always be questions followed by self-doubts, but you know what? IT’S OKAY NOT TO HAVE EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT! 🙂 Good to know that you are walking towards self-love. I’m proud of you! Take it one f*cking step at a time!

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