Mixtape Monday: Settle


Twelve days.

It only took twelve days to make me feel things again.

For the past months, I felt like I’ve grown numb to everything. I felt robotic, working for 8 hours a day, going home exhausted, and just letting the days pass by without any meaning. I stopped being myself and I just went on autopilot for months on end. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve started to feel empty. It wasn’t until I dived head first into traveling solo that I felt shaken and awake. I explored four different cities for 12 days, met amazing people, and embraced as many experiences as I can in a short span of time. It was how I have always imagined my life — moving from one place to another, writing about it in journals, and just learning from experiences. It was not perfect (spoiler alert: I got ripped off on my first day), but it was everything that I I have ever dreamed of.

But just like many other great things, it also came to an end. I packed my bags and boarded the plane back to Manila, with memories and stories that felt surreal. As soon as I stepped back to the city, I felt like I was awakened from my dream. I snapped back to reality that I’m stuck in this city for a while and I would just have to deal with it.

Honestly, I just badly want to rewind the days over and over. I want to relive the moments away from Manila, exploring other places. These moments are the times when I feel most alive and ecstatic for everything.

It has been more than a week since I came back and I’m still adjusting to everything. Maybe it’s the quarter-life crisis, or maybe it’s just the longing to be free again, but the days have been proving itself to be challenging. I’m trying to fill the emptiness by embracing everything that’s beautiful around me — my family, my friends, art, and everything in between — and while it’s a struggle, somehow, I find myself distracted and I no longer feel so blank again.

Moving is easy, settling down is harder. I know I’m the type of person who finds it hard to be in just one place, and the twelve day travel just proved that theory perfectly, but I also know that I couldn’t do the things that I want just on a whim. I need to work, I need to make ends meet, and I suppose I have no choice but to suck it all in and make the most out of the situation that I am in.

I’ve created a playlist that kind of describes what I’ve been struggling with today — the joys of going home and embracing familiarity, the challenges of wanting more, and the uneasy feeling of questioning what I really wanted out of life. Not sure if it is what I think it is, but aah, quarter-life crisis is such a little bitch.

 

https://embed.spotify.com/?uri=spotify:user:12136615640:playlist:5jeLyq4L3avG8qgIVpg5zl

Jhanzey

A 20-something wanderlust who dreams of seeing the world and making a change. She loves to take photographs and stuffing herself with food.

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8 Comments

  • Alyssa
    February 12, 2017 at 12:36 am

    I miss doing mixtapes! Anyway, thank you for sharing, will definitely listen to these! πŸ™‚

    • Jhanzey A.
      February 22, 2017 at 10:58 pm

      Thanks Alyssa! Appreciate you listening to what I’ve created! πŸ™‚

  • wheresnika
    February 15, 2017 at 8:11 am

    First off, thanks for describing how I feel at the moment, haha. The one where you feel you’re just on autopilot mode. It’s sad. Glad you came around so quick! And I love listening to other people’s playlist, feels like you can know someone through their choice of songs πŸ™‚

    Nikaia | http://www.wheresnika.com

    • Jhanzey A.
      February 21, 2017 at 7:24 pm

      I hope you’re doing better now, Nikaia! ❀

  • Jeaniebeans PH
    February 18, 2017 at 6:32 am

    I’m experiencing that quarter-life crisis too. I’m at the point of my life questioning my decision if I picked the right course for me because I feel like my skills are not enough as a designer or an artist. I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m currently jobless at the moment lol. I feel lost also, I’m not sure what I was looking for but I’m sure I want something.

    I love Settled by The Ransom Collective. It was my first time hearing it

    All the best!
    JeaniebeansPH Diary | Why I’m Giving Up My Domain

    • Jhanzey A.
      February 21, 2017 at 3:55 pm

      Glad you like it!!! πŸ™‚ I hope you feel better soon, though. It’s tough, but I suppose it’s essential for us to go through all these confusion before we finally find our way towards where we’re supposed to head to. Good luck to us! :*

  • Anne
    February 20, 2017 at 10:04 pm

    Screw quarter life crisis. Somehow, it managed to creep up on everyone at once. I totally get the feeling you’re trying to describe. It’s so unsettling. I would however like to point out how jealous I am of your solo trip. I wish I get the guts and money to do one too. Hopefully soon. πŸ™‚

    annescribblesanddoodles.blogspot.com

    • Jhanzey A.
      February 21, 2017 at 3:52 pm

      Hi Anne! I bet that you can do the solo trip as well! πŸ™‚ It’s challenging but once you’re there, you won’t feel nervous anymore. Let me know if you get to push through with it!

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