Mixtape Monday: Settle
It only took twelve days to make me feel things again.
For the past months, I felt like I’ve grown numb to everything. I felt robotic, working for 8 hours a day, going home exhausted, and just letting the days pass by without any meaning. I stopped being myself and I just went on autopilot for months on end. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve started to feel empty. It wasn’t until I dived head first into traveling solo that I felt shaken and awake. I explored four different cities for 12 days, met amazing people, and embraced as many experiences as I can in a short span of time. It was how I have always imagined my life — moving from one place to another, writing about it in journals, and just learning from experiences. It was not perfect (spoiler alert: I got ripped off on my first day), but it was everything that I I have ever dreamed of.
But just like many other great things, it also came to an end. I packed my bags and boarded the plane back to Manila, with memories and stories that felt surreal. As soon as I stepped back to the city, I felt like I was awakened from my dream. I snapped back to reality that I’m stuck in this city for a while and I would just have to deal with it.
Honestly, I just badly want to rewind the days over and over. I want to relive the moments away from Manila, exploring other places. These moments are the times when I feel most alive and ecstatic for everything.
It has been more than a week since I came back and I’m still adjusting to everything. Maybe it’s the quarter-life crisis, or maybe it’s just the longing to be free again, but the days have been proving itself to be challenging. I’m trying to fill the emptiness by embracing everything that’s beautiful around me — my family, my friends, art, and everything in between — and while it’s a struggle, somehow, I find myself distracted and I no longer feel so blank again.
Moving is easy, settling down is harder. I know I’m the type of person who finds it hard to be in just one place, and the twelve day travel just proved that theory perfectly, but I also know that I couldn’t do the things that I want just on a whim. I need to work, I need to make ends meet, and I suppose I have no choice but to suck it all in and make the most out of the situation that I am in.
I’ve created a playlist that kind of describes what I’ve been struggling with today — the joys of going home and embracing familiarity, the challenges of wanting more, and the uneasy feeling of questioning what I really wanted out of life. Not sure if it is what I think it is, but aah, quarter-life crisis is such a little bitch.