The Best Friend Envy
If you’ve been following me long enough, then you would’ve known how much drama this “best friend” thing has brought into my life. It’s actually quite childish, and looking back, it just makes me cringe on how much time I would spend being envious of people with best friends, when all this time, there was this one person whom I forgot to get in touch with — myself.
During high school, I used to think that much like what we see on television, a person should have a best friend. That one person whom you would confide everything to, that one person whom you’d spend a lot of time with. I never really had that. Well, I did, but it wasn’t something that lasted for a long time. There has been a series of emotional fits that I published here on my blog (and on the previous blogs that I used to own), and looking back, I realized how it was such a huge deal for me. I felt envious to those people who have a constant buddy, I felt left out when topics would eventually end to talking about long term friends and best friends whom they are with, and it was something that would make me feel all sulky. I saw “best friendship” as how we see it on television, but I never really got to experience that kind of level of friendship before — deep and encouraging — and it would make me wallow in sadness on how much I’ve been missing out in life because I don’t have any ‘best friend’. Writing about it now makes me feel a little embarrassed, but I guess it was still a great phase in my life, which helped a lot on molding me into who I am today.
I have told my tales of falling out of friendships and trying to rebuild it to just fall apart again numerous times on different situations to different people, and every time I would share that experience, I would see it on a different light. Before, it was pity, then remorse, then anger, then nostalgia and sadness, then, slowly, it became acceptance. I know it would’ve been so nice to share a piece of you to someone else, to have someone to go through as you grow up, but as years go by, I realized that because I spent so much time looking into other people, I forgot how great solitude actually is. I’m certainly the clingy type, but as I grew older, I slowly detached myself from unhealthy relationships and attachments, stopped myself from expecting too much from others, and just let go of baggage until I felt light and happy with the situation that I am in.
As I mature, I realized that there is nothing to be envious about. Sure, it would’ve been nice to have someone to share every aspect of my life, but it was not a requirement for me to be happy. Besides, I still have a great circle of close friends whom I share my life with. Maybe I don’t text or talk to them as often, but I know that despite it all, they will be there for me. They will be there to catch me should I fall back to my feet again; they’ll be there to laugh with me during funny moments; they’ll be there as I find my way around life; and they’ll be there to support me as I journey through challenges, failures, and successes.
When I was younger, I thought that being with close knit friends a la american TV show would be an important key to living a happy life, that having a best friend would be something that would complete me. I’ve been battling the “blues” in the past years, and it has definitely triggered a lot of feelings, and I thought that having someone by your side would be something that would make everything bad thoughts go away. But as time goes on, I became at peace with the fact that I will never have that single friend that I would share everything with. Instead, I have a bunch of friends who will be there, and whom I can share a lot of myself with, piece by piece. I also learned how to value myself more, how to live on each life decisions and not needing a validation from someone else, and how to enjoy the company of friends and appreciate them as they are.
If you are also someone who don’t have a best friend, don’t follow my footsteps and let yourself wallow in self-pity, and don’t feel jealous with others that have found their own. Trust me, having no best friend doesn’t mean that you’ll miss things in life. The only thing that you’ll be missing will be the moments that you could’ve had fun instead of looking at others and comparing your life to theirs. 🙂